Slow down, crazy, slow down

07Oct11

So first, I wrote this really intense, really long post for today. It was actually pretty decent writing (in my humble opinion), but really, I just needed to get my emotions in order.

Anywho, now that the angst is out, I can write to you in typical Cass style – upbeat, energetic and always, always (endearingly?) awkward. I hope?

So I’ve been mad pissed the past few days. Why?

I’ve been having an amazeballs time writing this blog. It hasn’t even been two months, but I’ve learned so much and I’ve got plans to grow this baby that I can hopefully put into action real soon.

I love that my friends tell me they’ve read and tried kale or banana soft serve. Because that’s what this is all about – sharing my own journey in health to help others along theirs. And also because I’m part of an insanely self-absorbed generation that feels the need to put our every thought and mussing out for the world to see. Because…I don’t know…we all think we’re the Buddah or something. Whateves. I dig it.

But I’ve been really upset because I screwed up. I let stress, worry and feeling overwhelmed get to me. I’ve been so on my A-game the past few months and then there it was.

That familiar sense of satisfaction from loser jeans. Now, I’m still working on getting to my healthy range from my binge period so this isn’t necessarily an issue. I have no problem with a six-pack coming on. BELIEVE ME. Morning bonding with Jillian will not be in vain! But the fact that I felt a little that old thrill again was a problem. That feeling I had back when I was aiming for skinny rather than healthy. Which, as much as I adore the skinny bitches and their book, are two very different things. Maybe that’s why Kim now has the Healthy Bitch Daily blog?

But I digress.

The past few days, the other end of the spectrum was back. Hand –> Bag. Jar. Wrapper. Whatever. –> Mouth. While staring at my laptop. Mindless, guilty, tasteless munching. Why? a. Because my bod was freaking the hell out over the sudden dip in supplies and sent out the full force of FEED ME signals. I don’t even like sweet stuff that much, usually preferring savory, but I realized I was drowning everything in agave nectar. What? What? WHAT?! Are you doing?! and b. Because I’ve been majorly stressin’. Mostly about stupid stuff that really doesn’t even matter. Ugh. Silly.

So I got mad. I wrote lots of really inapropro words in my journal in BIG HUGE letters. My runs weren’t fun because I felt icky and I was just mad. This morning, I started to do my yoga and then just lay there. I had a mopey couple of days and just let myself keep at it. My past few posts have been extra lamesauce, and it’s no surprise. I’m really good at doing the happy dance when I actually feel like a turd on toast. But that skill only extends so far.

But now I’ve calmed my butt down. I’ve looked at my life and looked at my choices as a sassy gay friend would tell me. Slow down, crazy, slow down.

And I’ve reminded myself: I’m way too good for this sh*t. I know so much better. The old way of life sucks.

So yes, even the most health-focused, I’ve-turned-my-life-around, I-lurk-the-Emory-college-site-every-day-so-I-can-sign-up-for-the-nutrition-pre-reqs-next-semester, I-put-spinach-in-my-smoothies-and-like-it people can still have our off periods. We’re only human. And it takes a long-a$$ time to learn new tricks. Permanently, at least.

But it’s all behind me. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be running through the streets of Bebek probably blasting some embarrassingly 90s tunes on my iPod (BBmak anyone?), yoga-ing my butt off and sitting down to to a big ol’ bowl of oatmeal that I know will power me through the morning.

Back to normal. Lesson learned. Hopefully for the last time.

Because I ain’t a stupid betch.

I still love ya though, man.

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5 Responses to “Slow down, crazy, slow down”

  1. 1 Kalie

    Hope you had fun!

  2. 2 Sue

    Cass, you know better than anyone how you should eat and what’s right for your body. Just keep doing your thang, girl. I think it will get easier. And don’t beat yourself up over every little thing (I’m still learning this too, womp womp). Feed yourself: enough, and well.

  3. Review action plans. Remember HOW FAR YOU HAVE COME! Think about your growth. Use EVERY opportunity as a learning lesson. I had to learn the same lesson for, um, perhaps 2 decades but NOW I’ve got it, by gawd. Grateful for the journey… that’s what it is all about honey!


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