Thank You

17Oct11

Yesterday, I was overcome by a wave of gratitude.

To everyone who reads this little chronicle of my life, thank you.

To everyone who Tweeted, Facebooked and commented me, thank you.

Every congratulations, every word of praise brought tears to my eyes. I can’t find words big and beautiful enough to express how much it all means to me.

Almost 2 months ago, I started this blog. I wasn’t sure where I wanted it to head. I wasn’t sure of my voice. I was torn between wanting to share my thoughts ill-formed and awkward as they may be and wanting to keep barrels of secrets forever and ever. Did I want to be silly, funny me and use words like amazeballs, obvi, totes and fo shizzle? Read: The me that makes awkward jokes because she’s too darn afraid to just write what she feels. That thinks that if I pepper the post with enough ridiculousness, no one will notice what I’m really trying to say. Did I want to be serious, pensive me? Goshdarnit, wouldn’t I, couldn’t I just be me? Whatever me I’m feeling that day?

It’s taken a few embarrassing posts, some lazy ones, some that were plain pointless, but I might have just found it.

Not that I promise everything from here on out will be perfectly structured, worded and planned out. Dear lord no. I mean, I really need to get to that godawful, boring economics reading at some point.

Sorry if you like economics. I admire you. Really, I do. But Smith, Marx and Keynes, you do not move my spirit.

Every time I post, a part of me thinks, Oh Cassandra, who cares what you ate today? Who cares how you’re feeling? Who cares where you’ve been, where you’re heading? Do you really fancy yourself a writer? Are you sure you’re not just a self-absorbed, dramatic, childish fool?

I was scared linking this to Facebook. I still wonder, what will people think of me? The real me? There are things I haven’t talked about, thoughts I haven’t shared with people I’ve been close to, people I’ve loved and trusted. Why must I throw them all out now for the world to see?

And then I think of Andie and how she inspires me everyday to cultivate my voice and find peace with food. I think of Elise and how she’s taught me that a girl can and should down a tub of garlicky, glorious hummus guilt-free if that’s what her heart and stomach desire that day.  I think of Clare and how finding someone with experiences that so mirror my own has made me feel that I’m not alone. I think of Holly who’s taught me to own big, curly hair and see it as a blessing and not a curse.

I think of so many, many more wonderful women I haven’t actually met in person but have touched my life.

I think of my journey. My crumbling into a ball on the bathroom floor wondering what on earth I was going to do. My constant re-dedications. Yes, tomorrow I’ll change. Then life can really start. My first nervous call to Jennifer. Truly the most difficult and best decision I’ve ever made.

And I think of you, my wonderful readers, whoever you are, whether I know you or not and I thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

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